Only a mothe r could love this liver
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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