you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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