Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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