I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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