things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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