By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
