I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
This beer is not sobering me up at all
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
my poor anus
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
