I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
the day after is always just damage control
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
