five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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