I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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