Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
