I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
