Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
