I like my sex mixed with concussions.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize