& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
