no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
