Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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