You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
