fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
