Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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