I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
