she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
