I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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