dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
