i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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