Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
