Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
