what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
