what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
