I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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