Swine flu is the new snow day.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
