she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
