I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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