He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
