she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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