The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
