I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
