i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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