I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
