Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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