i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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