It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
