When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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