Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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