I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He shit in the fireplace
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
