Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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