dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
