May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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