he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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