my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
