I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
