my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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