I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
