false alarm. still invincible.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
