he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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