Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
