can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
