you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
